It's been nearly a year, really??

So basically I suck at remembering to write in my little blog. It has been nearly a year since I wrote anything. I'm sitting here at work and thinking about my life and wondering about the future. I went home to Kentucky to visit and now home is all I can think about. It's such a weird feeling since I hadn't even considered that place home for the last twenty years. I felt as if I had left there and been forgotten but it seems that isn't the case. Do I think I could go back there and create a life? Would it be trying to recreate a life that I had ? What's there that is pulling me back? So many questions.

Dancing Priestess

I love to dance! I'd rather dance than do most anyother single thing that I can think of. There I said it! I love to dance. Seep down inside I am a dancer at my core. I think I knew the very first time I saw Ms. Fara in her pink ballet slippers and little chiffon skirt...that was the life for me. Somewhere along the way I decided Prima Ballerina would be my job for life, then I was going to be a Rockette, and then a Vegas Showgirl. Then I stopped growing taller at 5' tall and none of those things was ever going to happen, but still I danced. Now at 43 I STILL dance...every chance I get. Tonight I am taking a big step for me and I am terrified. I am going to a ballroom dancing class....by myself. I joined a group online and I have been watching their events come and go week after week. I have wanted to try but the fear of doing it alone has stopped me. I don't want to be there by myself all weird. I finally sent a message to the organizers of the group and asked about going alone as  a single female and they said that in fact there had been unpartnered males the week before.. I took this as a sign so here I go. Good Bad or Indifferent... I sincerely hope that I don't regret it, or feel weird or whatever. I just want to dance. I love it so much and ballroom is a lot of fun, good exercise too. I am grateful that Todd Keys introduced me to it or I probably would have wondered the rest of my life about it, certainly never would have worked up the nerve to actually go to a class and try it, not alone no never. But now that I know how much I love it... I am actually excited behind the terror.

A plea

I don't expect everyone to agree with me all the time, nor do I expect everyone I know to show interest in all the things that interest me all the time. However I do think that people should be tolerant of the interests of others. I don't really enjoy watching sports on television, not even the Kentucky Wildcats. But during playoff season, or any other time, you won't see me griping and complaining about the fact that I can't turn on TV or log onto FB without being assaulted by sports stuff. I could care less who wins what game when. Nothing bad happens to me if a given team doesn't come out on top of a contest and nothing good comes my way if they do. In the arena of pro sports not only do I get nothing, they get millions of dollars and celebrity status and often get to live, at least, somewhat above the law. This same thought holds true for entertainers too. It is nice when a performer I like is recognized be it on American Idol, a dancing show, or an awards show. But again no one is giving me anything or taking anything from me.

I enjoy some reality television shows, particularly The Real Housewives franchise. The title kind of cracks me up, as there is very little real or housewife about the ladies profiled but that isn't the issue. They are wealthy women who live their lives in the way that they see fit. I do not watch it because I want to emulate the way they live, dress, talk , or certainly behave. I watch it because it entertains me. Kinda like UFC for girls. There is no point, you know a lot of it is faked, but it is fun to watch them stumble and fall.

My issue today is with all the bitching and complaining about the Royal Wedding. Yes, I stayed up all night to watch it. I watched the "pregame" and the most of the ceremony. No I don't want to marry a real prince, nor do I want my daughters to, who needs that pressure. But these days you never see anything pleasant on television. The media is completely consumed by the bad things in the world, bad people, bad events, sadness and destruction. Two boys famously lost their mother years ago,  regardless of what you think of the monarchy, Diana, Charles or any of it, those little boys lost their mother in a terrible accident and they loved her so much and I'm sure still miss her everyday. The images of those two little guys following her casket into Westminster Abby and looking so sad at her funeral were heartbreaking. I have a friend who lost a parent at about that same age and even though it was 25 years ago, my friend still carries that loss every day. So today we saw a very different image of those two boys in that same church. They were smiling and happy as one of them celebrated what was I'm sure one of the happiest days of his life. I don't know if the marriage will last and today it doesn't matter a whole heck of a lot. I didn't know on December 15, 1990 that my marriage wouldn't last forever, I had no idea. I don't really think anyone gets married and is planning the divorce that very day. What I do remember is being happy and hopeful for a wonderful future.

Does the British monarchy serve any purpose? I don't think so, the queen doesn't have any real authority on the world stage. Very little of what happens in the UK has much of an effect here in the US. Did the wedding cost a lot of money, yes I'm sure it was an enormous fortune, but it didn't come out of your pocket or your mouth or in any way efect your personal well being. STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT. STOP BEING A JERK ABOUT IT. STOP ACTING LIKE EVERYONE HAS TO THINK ITS STUPID JUST BECAUSE YOU DO

In 1981 when Charles and Diana were married I was 11 years old and my grandmother was still alive. I have no idea if she gave a crap about that wedding or not, and I will never know because she is gone forever and I can't ask her, but what I do know is that she knew that her grand daughter was fascinated by it. So she made the day special for me. I will always remember that day because she made it special for me. So yes at 4:30 this morning I was in front of the TV. I was alone this time and I cried through the whole thing and then cried myself to sleep at 5:30 before it was even over. I cried because weddings are beautiful and they always make me cry, I cried because I know I will never have someone look at me the way that young man looked at his beautiful bride with love and hope for the future, I cried because he was there without his mother and I think that is incredibly sad, I cried because I was alone, I cried because I miss my grandmother and I cried because I am so sad all the time, and lonely and so tired of being both. So please just stop complaining about the wedding and let those of us who are interested be interested and I won't complain about whatever thing you find interesting another time. Deal?

I am not a toy

Methinks that men are just not capable of thinking with the head on top... I think the other one is oxygen-deprived and therefore brain damaged. Before you judge me as a man hater hear out my evidence.

I have a number of single female friends, some are divorced and some have not been married, not that the circumstances of singlehood matter. We get together and chat about the things going on in our lives and inevitably the talk turns to men and the topics within the subject are varied but often the conclusion that we come to is that there is something seriously wrong with the lot of them.

There are the ones that want to just date around, seeing several women at once with no real connections, He isn't commitment challenged, he is commitment non-interested. This in itself isn't bad as long as all parties involved are aware and in agreement. messing that last bit up can lead to bar fights and angry facebook rants.

There are the ones who want to date...forever. this one is commitment challenged. He is stressful because if you really love him you are stuck in limbo waiting for that big question and he either A. doesn't want to give up his single guy identity or B is too chicken shit to pull the trigger or C. is so broken and damaged from some woman before you that he is terrified.

There are the communicators...this guy will text, call, or email but never go beyond that. I think they are just looking for a path away and aren't brave or smart enough to say they aren't interested, kinda jerky

And then there are the ones I keep running into and these are closely related to the first category. These guys want to hit and forget, bump and run, whatever you want to call it, these guys just want sex. They are not looking for anything that smells like a connection of any sort.

Don't get me wrong I am not looking for a husband. I was asked by a man I met recently if I dated casually or with a purpose. I asked what he meant by those two categories and he said that a lot of women he had met recently pretty much had a checklist and if he didn't meet the husband criteria they checked him off and moved on. Wow..and we wonder why they act like morons. Bitch begets moron every time. I am not dating with that defined a purpose in mind. I would like to meet someone who is special and wonderful, with whom I could make a life, of course, and I do have some qualities that I think that man would possess but I am by no means auditioning every man I date for the role of husband. I am also not looking for a sex partner, one night stand, or friend with that particular benefit. I have female friends who are all about the FWB or one nighters but I guess I am not wired that way. I have done it I will admit and I have always, every single (both) times felt absolutely wretched afterwards. It did nothing for my self confidence the way my friends say it does them. They claim it makes them feel powerful. It just made me feel rather cheap.

Maybe its me? Maybe I am not a dater? Maybe I am never going to be half of a we or them again? It hurts a little bit to think that way but it certainly does feel that way. I try not to dwell on it but the evidence is mounting.

I am a fool

Why would I beg? More importantly why would I think it would matter?

January 2012

Well folks the last year of our existence is here, or according to the Mayans anyway. I refuse to even start thinking about what this year will bring or get all giddy with possibility. Lessons learned... However, I do have some plans, well plans might be a strong word perhaps I should say ideas for this new year. I have lived my life being a good daughter, a good wife, a good girlfriend, a good employee and so on for 41 years.I am kind of sick of living for every one else and I think that it is high time I start being a good self. I am going to treat my body, my mind and my heart better starting this year. I have a job that I love with people that I simply adore. I have some good friends that i trust to the ends of the earth. In 2012 I will endeavor to laugh alot, live alot, and enjoy being me which after all is a pretty good thing to be.

Another Day

I have been thinking ans thinking about what to write about and I just don't have any great and brilliant ideas. I got to spend some time with 3/4 of my daughters this weekend and it was wonderful. They planned a great day to celebrate mothers day with me and we had such a nice time. First they took me to the Cockrell Butterfly Center at the Houston Museum of Natural History. It was incredible, thousands of butterflies of every size, kind and color were flying around everywhere. They would land on us you could see them up close on plants and flowers too, it was awesome. After that we went to dinner at The Olive Garden and laughed and just enjoyed each other's company. Then they took me to a performance of the Houston Ballet at the Miller Outdoor Theater in Herman Park. It was awesome. They had never been to the ballet so it was a great introduction for them. I am hoping that once I find a job, I can get tickets for us to see a full ballet together.