Birthdays and Mother's Day

My birthday and Mother's Day have always been connected in my head because of their typical proximity on the calendar. As I got older I thought it was interesting that the day chosen as the day to honor mothers was so close to the day that mine became one. As I had my own children Mother's Day would over shadow my birthday as the girls usually did something cute and sweet in their own little girl ways to mark the day. I think as you get older birthdays naturally lose their significance, I mean who wants to make a big deal out of getting older? That is until you reach that point where you are celebrating still being around, say 80 or so. My birthday though inevitably brings me to thoughts of my own mother. Those who know me well know that relationship was always strained and really crumbled in the fall of 1988. I am not going to tell that full story here but things went a bit, shall we say, upside down. I am going to sound a bit like a child I know but I think that your mother has an obligation to make at least a minor fuss over your birthday. A phone call perhaps, or an email, maybe an actual paper card sent in the mail or at the absolute minimum a text message. Some little scrap of communication that says yeah I remember this is the day you were born. To not get that, to get nothing that would pass as recognition of that one day of the year just hurt. It felt like it doesn't matter to her that I was born at all. I am her only girl child which made it that much worse. Am I whining, maybe...probably. So here's the question how wrong is it that I feel no affinity to her as a mother anymore? I have no desire to honor heron Sunday as my mother. I don't want to take a moment to thank her for having me, raising me and keeping me safe until adulthood. I mean, my birth obviously has become insignificant in her memory so why bring up all the years she wasted on me?

the latest new beginning

I am overweight. There I said it. I don't think that I am obese or that people look at me and think that I am a fat person. but nevertheless, I am overweight. I am 5' tall, pretty much on the money and I weigh in the neighborhood of 175 to 180 pounds. I don't know the exact number because i have not weighed myself in quite awhile but I plan to later today. I also plan to take my body measurements and some pretty unflattering photos. But I am also starting out on a journey today. I am determined to do the work necessary to not be overweight anymore and I plan to start that work today. My friend Jim is helping me with this journey and I know that I can count on my friends to support me, cheer me on, and love me through it. This blog will contain some details on this journey as I go along, things like what I ate, what kind of exercise I did, what I weigh and what my measurements are in addition to the regular babbling I do here. Losing weight is difficult. Changing your relationship with food is difficult. I am an addict. I eat to cure wounds that you can't see by looking at me, things that are eating me up on the inside get fed and they don't make good eating decisions. Those things love cheeseburgers, cheeze its, ice cream and fountain sodas. I have watched members of my family gain weight in fairly significant amounts, I have family members who have been heavy my whole life. A lot of those family members have died because of the strain being overweight puts on the body, things like heart disease, heart attacks, diabetes. I have four amazing children and the cutest grandson in the world. I have friends that I love spending time with and I have long list of things I want to still do and see while I am on this earth. I want to be healthy so I can have the most time possible with my girls, Joe and my friends. I want to be healthy enough to do some of the things on that list. So here I go, down a long bumpy road. I know that I when I put out a hand for help I will find it and I know that as I reach my goals one at a time I will have friends and loved ones there to cheer me on to the next one and for that I am very grateful.

Do you know the Miranda Lambert song, "The House That Built Me"? I have loved the song since I heard it the very first time. More often than not it makes me tear up when I hear it. I wish I could go home. I wish I could get on a plane and run home to a family that loves me and will hold me and tell me that everything that is gong wrong will be ok and that even if it isn't they will always be there to catch me and love me. That is simply not the case. Isn't family supposed to be there to love you without being told that you need it, or do I have that wrong? I have long said that my friends were the family I chose and in most cases I chose very well because I truly do have some of the absolute best friends anyone could ever stumble on. I am very grateful for the people that are in my life but they don't fill that hole.

well alrighty then...

We all have that person in our life, or in some cases, those people. They know more than we do and want to make sure we are aware of that fact. Further more their opinion is more important than yours, their ideas are better, and their viewpoints a more substantial than yours. I have a couple of these in my life, some are more easily ignored than others. How do you get around feeling like you are the most insignificant person with silly ideas around these people?
For me I just avoid saying anything that makes me sound like I'm trying to have an intelligent thought in my head since it's clear I don't. I have been watching the series Mad Men lately. I had never watched it before. In some ways it would be nice to be one of those late 50's housewife to a powerful man. No brain required, it's ok if you have one as long as you don't try too hard to use it when he's around. Let him make all the decisions and all the money. If time travel ever really happens...

and now...... my blog

How's that for a wind up? I really super suck at writing here. Will I ever get better at remembering it? why do I doubt it. I was never a girl who kept a diary and isn't a blog the same thing, just typed up online? Besides, I just don't really have anything that interesting to say. I have used this thing as kind of my personal forum to vent my frustrations about stuff or just to comment on moments in life, is that what a personal blog is for? Well guess what? That is what this one will be. So stick around, read it and comment if you want. I appreciate the input. Be nice.

So today's blog.... hmmmm A friend of mine posted on Facebook recently that it seems as though as soon as life starts looking up you round a corner and slam into a brick wall. How true that is. I had a conversation to that same affect recently with someone else. Life is like a pendulum, always swinging between extremes. The trick is feeling neutral and balanced, even when you aren't. I am not in a good place these days but I'm doing ok. I have people in my life who love me and I am healthy and safe. Somedays it's work just to get out of bed, today was one of those, but other days its fine. I am learning to take the good and the bad and there I have the Facts of Life.

The end of 09

So I'm trying to figure out my life and where I belong in the scheme. I had hoped at nearly 40 years of age to have that already figured out but I guess that isn't going to be the case. I spend alot of my time these days wondering why I feel as I do about things in my life. I was tagged in a survey on Facebook a couple of days ago that I have yet to fill out. It is a New Years thing that asks what the best and worst parts of the year were, what you are and aren't looking forward to in the next year blah blah blah... I have afew theories as to why I haven't done the survey yet. I really want to be honest but I don't think I want to admit to all my friends (and sort of friends and a few acquaintances) exactly what I am thinking and feeling. In the coming year I am considering a kind of technological coma, withdrawing from Facebook etc.. An occasional my dog is so cute sort of post and the occasional like of a post by someone else and a serious thinning of the pack as it were.

What were the biggest dissapointments of 09? What was good about 09? What am I looking forward to in 10? And not so much? wow these are not easy answers. Was my move the biggest mistake I made in 09 or was it a good thing .,That remains to be seen in a lot of ways. Did I waste 09 pursueing something I shouldn't have? Ugh. I just don't know. Worse I don't know how to find the answers in 10. Everywhere I look are just more questions, never any answers. I made a comment Christmas day to some people I know that if my current relationship ends (or when) I will not have another man in my life. This past year has been kind of nightmarish, the last two really. I'm so ready for things to look up, start going my way. I don't expect happpiness all the time and rainbows and smurfs and all that but Christ! A little would be good. A little that isn't tainted by something else or predicated upon something else. I think I don't know how to be happy for me, No I know I don't. Largely because I am not well acquainted with me, the two of us are barely more than strangers. I have lived myself for someone else for the whole thing. I have defined myself by how happy I make or fail to make someone else: parents, husband, children, employers, boyfriend, friends.... Who am I? What makes me happy? When am I happy and at peace?

There are places I remember all my life...

Though some have changed,
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

I love the Beatles, I think that I always have. The bit above is from my favorite song, In My Life which happens to be a Beatles song. It is a love song of sorts, tells about someone who has great memories but of all things, places, and people in their life they love the object of the song the most. My memory is faulty, sketchy, stinky, whatever word or phrase you like. I have odd patches of memory then huge chunks of things that I don't remember. I remember a few things vividly, some things are clouded and a lot of things I just can't remember at all, very frustrating. It is a new problem, I used to have a very sharp memory. Troubling. I guess memories are in my mind today because today 15 Dec 2009 should have been my 19th wedding anniversary but I am divorced. Was it a good thing, in a lot of ways yes and in some ways well....I won't say it was a bad thing but the changes in my life (pun) that were brought about by it were less than pleasant. typical right. The pros: I got to move to Hawaii in a round about way as a product of the divorce, I don't have to live in Texas any more, I don't have to live with the person I was once married to for all the reasons that I did not wish to remain married to him. Cons: I moved to Hawaii... (hmm), I miss my kids, I no longer have a car, I no longer have my beautiful house to live in, I no longer have the support of his wonderful family, that feeling of failure that often accompanies a divorce decree, I gave up a huge amount of income...

So what to do with the date that will always be in your memory as the day you once upon a time got married? It isn't a happy day at all but not 100% sad either. Do you mark the occasion somehow or let it quietly slip past? Will it not hurt to see that date pop up on the calendar at some point in the future?

Memory is a funny thing and I wonder often how my memory will treat my current life. I wonder these days how much I will actually remember, hopefully only the good stuff will make the cut :)