The end of 09

So I'm trying to figure out my life and where I belong in the scheme. I had hoped at nearly 40 years of age to have that already figured out but I guess that isn't going to be the case. I spend alot of my time these days wondering why I feel as I do about things in my life. I was tagged in a survey on Facebook a couple of days ago that I have yet to fill out. It is a New Years thing that asks what the best and worst parts of the year were, what you are and aren't looking forward to in the next year blah blah blah... I have afew theories as to why I haven't done the survey yet. I really want to be honest but I don't think I want to admit to all my friends (and sort of friends and a few acquaintances) exactly what I am thinking and feeling. In the coming year I am considering a kind of technological coma, withdrawing from Facebook etc.. An occasional my dog is so cute sort of post and the occasional like of a post by someone else and a serious thinning of the pack as it were.

What were the biggest dissapointments of 09? What was good about 09? What am I looking forward to in 10? And not so much? wow these are not easy answers. Was my move the biggest mistake I made in 09 or was it a good thing .,That remains to be seen in a lot of ways. Did I waste 09 pursueing something I shouldn't have? Ugh. I just don't know. Worse I don't know how to find the answers in 10. Everywhere I look are just more questions, never any answers. I made a comment Christmas day to some people I know that if my current relationship ends (or when) I will not have another man in my life. This past year has been kind of nightmarish, the last two really. I'm so ready for things to look up, start going my way. I don't expect happpiness all the time and rainbows and smurfs and all that but Christ! A little would be good. A little that isn't tainted by something else or predicated upon something else. I think I don't know how to be happy for me, No I know I don't. Largely because I am not well acquainted with me, the two of us are barely more than strangers. I have lived myself for someone else for the whole thing. I have defined myself by how happy I make or fail to make someone else: parents, husband, children, employers, boyfriend, friends.... Who am I? What makes me happy? When am I happy and at peace?

There are places I remember all my life...

Though some have changed,
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

I love the Beatles, I think that I always have. The bit above is from my favorite song, In My Life which happens to be a Beatles song. It is a love song of sorts, tells about someone who has great memories but of all things, places, and people in their life they love the object of the song the most. My memory is faulty, sketchy, stinky, whatever word or phrase you like. I have odd patches of memory then huge chunks of things that I don't remember. I remember a few things vividly, some things are clouded and a lot of things I just can't remember at all, very frustrating. It is a new problem, I used to have a very sharp memory. Troubling. I guess memories are in my mind today because today 15 Dec 2009 should have been my 19th wedding anniversary but I am divorced. Was it a good thing, in a lot of ways yes and in some ways well....I won't say it was a bad thing but the changes in my life (pun) that were brought about by it were less than pleasant. typical right. The pros: I got to move to Hawaii in a round about way as a product of the divorce, I don't have to live in Texas any more, I don't have to live with the person I was once married to for all the reasons that I did not wish to remain married to him. Cons: I moved to Hawaii... (hmm), I miss my kids, I no longer have a car, I no longer have my beautiful house to live in, I no longer have the support of his wonderful family, that feeling of failure that often accompanies a divorce decree, I gave up a huge amount of income...

So what to do with the date that will always be in your memory as the day you once upon a time got married? It isn't a happy day at all but not 100% sad either. Do you mark the occasion somehow or let it quietly slip past? Will it not hurt to see that date pop up on the calendar at some point in the future?

Memory is a funny thing and I wonder often how my memory will treat my current life. I wonder these days how much I will actually remember, hopefully only the good stuff will make the cut :)