Another Day

I have been thinking ans thinking about what to write about and I just don't have any great and brilliant ideas. I got to spend some time with 3/4 of my daughters this weekend and it was wonderful. They planned a great day to celebrate mothers day with me and we had such a nice time. First they took me to the Cockrell Butterfly Center at the Houston Museum of Natural History. It was incredible, thousands of butterflies of every size, kind and color were flying around everywhere. They would land on us you could see them up close on plants and flowers too, it was awesome. After that we went to dinner at The Olive Garden and laughed and just enjoyed each other's company. Then they took me to a performance of the Houston Ballet at the Miller Outdoor Theater in Herman Park. It was awesome. They had never been to the ballet so it was a great introduction for them. I am hoping that once I find a job, I can get tickets for us to see a full ballet together.

Birthdays and Mother's Day

My birthday and Mother's Day have always been connected in my head because of their typical proximity on the calendar. As I got older I thought it was interesting that the day chosen as the day to honor mothers was so close to the day that mine became one. As I had my own children Mother's Day would over shadow my birthday as the girls usually did something cute and sweet in their own little girl ways to mark the day. I think as you get older birthdays naturally lose their significance, I mean who wants to make a big deal out of getting older? That is until you reach that point where you are celebrating still being around, say 80 or so. My birthday though inevitably brings me to thoughts of my own mother. Those who know me well know that relationship was always strained and really crumbled in the fall of 1988. I am not going to tell that full story here but things went a bit, shall we say, upside down. I am going to sound a bit like a child I know but I think that your mother has an obligation to make at least a minor fuss over your birthday. A phone call perhaps, or an email, maybe an actual paper card sent in the mail or at the absolute minimum a text message. Some little scrap of communication that says yeah I remember this is the day you were born. To not get that, to get nothing that would pass as recognition of that one day of the year just hurt. It felt like it doesn't matter to her that I was born at all. I am her only girl child which made it that much worse. Am I whining, maybe...probably. So here's the question how wrong is it that I feel no affinity to her as a mother anymore? I have no desire to honor heron Sunday as my mother. I don't want to take a moment to thank her for having me, raising me and keeping me safe until adulthood. I mean, my birth obviously has become insignificant in her memory so why bring up all the years she wasted on me?

the latest new beginning

I am overweight. There I said it. I don't think that I am obese or that people look at me and think that I am a fat person. but nevertheless, I am overweight. I am 5' tall, pretty much on the money and I weigh in the neighborhood of 175 to 180 pounds. I don't know the exact number because i have not weighed myself in quite awhile but I plan to later today. I also plan to take my body measurements and some pretty unflattering photos. But I am also starting out on a journey today. I am determined to do the work necessary to not be overweight anymore and I plan to start that work today. My friend Jim is helping me with this journey and I know that I can count on my friends to support me, cheer me on, and love me through it. This blog will contain some details on this journey as I go along, things like what I ate, what kind of exercise I did, what I weigh and what my measurements are in addition to the regular babbling I do here. Losing weight is difficult. Changing your relationship with food is difficult. I am an addict. I eat to cure wounds that you can't see by looking at me, things that are eating me up on the inside get fed and they don't make good eating decisions. Those things love cheeseburgers, cheeze its, ice cream and fountain sodas. I have watched members of my family gain weight in fairly significant amounts, I have family members who have been heavy my whole life. A lot of those family members have died because of the strain being overweight puts on the body, things like heart disease, heart attacks, diabetes. I have four amazing children and the cutest grandson in the world. I have friends that I love spending time with and I have long list of things I want to still do and see while I am on this earth. I want to be healthy so I can have the most time possible with my girls, Joe and my friends. I want to be healthy enough to do some of the things on that list. So here I go, down a long bumpy road. I know that I when I put out a hand for help I will find it and I know that as I reach my goals one at a time I will have friends and loved ones there to cheer me on to the next one and for that I am very grateful.

Do you know the Miranda Lambert song, "The House That Built Me"? I have loved the song since I heard it the very first time. More often than not it makes me tear up when I hear it. I wish I could go home. I wish I could get on a plane and run home to a family that loves me and will hold me and tell me that everything that is gong wrong will be ok and that even if it isn't they will always be there to catch me and love me. That is simply not the case. Isn't family supposed to be there to love you without being told that you need it, or do I have that wrong? I have long said that my friends were the family I chose and in most cases I chose very well because I truly do have some of the absolute best friends anyone could ever stumble on. I am very grateful for the people that are in my life but they don't fill that hole.

well alrighty then...

We all have that person in our life, or in some cases, those people. They know more than we do and want to make sure we are aware of that fact. Further more their opinion is more important than yours, their ideas are better, and their viewpoints a more substantial than yours. I have a couple of these in my life, some are more easily ignored than others. How do you get around feeling like you are the most insignificant person with silly ideas around these people?
For me I just avoid saying anything that makes me sound like I'm trying to have an intelligent thought in my head since it's clear I don't. I have been watching the series Mad Men lately. I had never watched it before. In some ways it would be nice to be one of those late 50's housewife to a powerful man. No brain required, it's ok if you have one as long as you don't try too hard to use it when he's around. Let him make all the decisions and all the money. If time travel ever really happens...

and now...... my blog

How's that for a wind up? I really super suck at writing here. Will I ever get better at remembering it? why do I doubt it. I was never a girl who kept a diary and isn't a blog the same thing, just typed up online? Besides, I just don't really have anything that interesting to say. I have used this thing as kind of my personal forum to vent my frustrations about stuff or just to comment on moments in life, is that what a personal blog is for? Well guess what? That is what this one will be. So stick around, read it and comment if you want. I appreciate the input. Be nice.

So today's blog.... hmmmm A friend of mine posted on Facebook recently that it seems as though as soon as life starts looking up you round a corner and slam into a brick wall. How true that is. I had a conversation to that same affect recently with someone else. Life is like a pendulum, always swinging between extremes. The trick is feeling neutral and balanced, even when you aren't. I am not in a good place these days but I'm doing ok. I have people in my life who love me and I am healthy and safe. Somedays it's work just to get out of bed, today was one of those, but other days its fine. I am learning to take the good and the bad and there I have the Facts of Life.