The end of 09

So I'm trying to figure out my life and where I belong in the scheme. I had hoped at nearly 40 years of age to have that already figured out but I guess that isn't going to be the case. I spend alot of my time these days wondering why I feel as I do about things in my life. I was tagged in a survey on Facebook a couple of days ago that I have yet to fill out. It is a New Years thing that asks what the best and worst parts of the year were, what you are and aren't looking forward to in the next year blah blah blah... I have afew theories as to why I haven't done the survey yet. I really want to be honest but I don't think I want to admit to all my friends (and sort of friends and a few acquaintances) exactly what I am thinking and feeling. In the coming year I am considering a kind of technological coma, withdrawing from Facebook etc.. An occasional my dog is so cute sort of post and the occasional like of a post by someone else and a serious thinning of the pack as it were.

What were the biggest dissapointments of 09? What was good about 09? What am I looking forward to in 10? And not so much? wow these are not easy answers. Was my move the biggest mistake I made in 09 or was it a good thing .,That remains to be seen in a lot of ways. Did I waste 09 pursueing something I shouldn't have? Ugh. I just don't know. Worse I don't know how to find the answers in 10. Everywhere I look are just more questions, never any answers. I made a comment Christmas day to some people I know that if my current relationship ends (or when) I will not have another man in my life. This past year has been kind of nightmarish, the last two really. I'm so ready for things to look up, start going my way. I don't expect happpiness all the time and rainbows and smurfs and all that but Christ! A little would be good. A little that isn't tainted by something else or predicated upon something else. I think I don't know how to be happy for me, No I know I don't. Largely because I am not well acquainted with me, the two of us are barely more than strangers. I have lived myself for someone else for the whole thing. I have defined myself by how happy I make or fail to make someone else: parents, husband, children, employers, boyfriend, friends.... Who am I? What makes me happy? When am I happy and at peace?

There are places I remember all my life...

Though some have changed,
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

I love the Beatles, I think that I always have. The bit above is from my favorite song, In My Life which happens to be a Beatles song. It is a love song of sorts, tells about someone who has great memories but of all things, places, and people in their life they love the object of the song the most. My memory is faulty, sketchy, stinky, whatever word or phrase you like. I have odd patches of memory then huge chunks of things that I don't remember. I remember a few things vividly, some things are clouded and a lot of things I just can't remember at all, very frustrating. It is a new problem, I used to have a very sharp memory. Troubling. I guess memories are in my mind today because today 15 Dec 2009 should have been my 19th wedding anniversary but I am divorced. Was it a good thing, in a lot of ways yes and in some ways well....I won't say it was a bad thing but the changes in my life (pun) that were brought about by it were less than pleasant. typical right. The pros: I got to move to Hawaii in a round about way as a product of the divorce, I don't have to live in Texas any more, I don't have to live with the person I was once married to for all the reasons that I did not wish to remain married to him. Cons: I moved to Hawaii... (hmm), I miss my kids, I no longer have a car, I no longer have my beautiful house to live in, I no longer have the support of his wonderful family, that feeling of failure that often accompanies a divorce decree, I gave up a huge amount of income...

So what to do with the date that will always be in your memory as the day you once upon a time got married? It isn't a happy day at all but not 100% sad either. Do you mark the occasion somehow or let it quietly slip past? Will it not hurt to see that date pop up on the calendar at some point in the future?

Memory is a funny thing and I wonder often how my memory will treat my current life. I wonder these days how much I will actually remember, hopefully only the good stuff will make the cut :)

Lies... Why is it so fucking easy to lie to me? Or tell me parts of the story, isn't that a lie in its own way? When you are in a relationship with someone and you are committed to one another in some way... shouldn't there be an expectation of full disclosure? I just don't understand. Now that I think of it, there is very little about my life that I do understand these days. Am I going insane? I really feel like I am losing my mother fucking mind. Absolutely nothing seems to make sense anymore as soon as I feel a little progress just a positive step or two this big almost cartoon like caveman club comes out of nowhere and POW!! Backwards tumble. The voices in my head say that I should just check the box and move on with my life but I can't do it. I don't have the means and where would I go really? I don't enjoy feeling this way. I hate that I can't find trust I hate that I sit here, so far away wondering why you lie and give me parts of the story. Why can't you just be straight with me tell me the truth. The new Reba McEntire song just says it all. Every time I try to turn the conversation to something deeper you end up all but shutting down. If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose, if I'm not that arrow to the heart of you then I guess we're through.

WTF

Okay here is the question of the day, ready? Here goes? When will the fucked up stop?

Journaling

I have thought a thousand times about keeping a jounal, trying to write down the crap that clouds my mind. I have bought countless little books of paper, well some not so little, with great aspirations to write every day. I rarely follow through. So now I have found an electronic medium to do the same thing, look back over the posts and you will see that the digital attempts at journaling have been as successful as the paper ones. There are lots of proponents out there for journaling, they say it keeps the mind clear. Oprah used to tout keeping a gratitude journal and writing down something every day that you are grateful for, others recommend a prayer journal, a diet and/or excercise journal, pain journals and all sorts of others with themes. Me I just want to write the things that are in my head. Sometimes I am upset, pissed off to be more correct, sometimes I am hurt, overwhelmed, confused, sad, whatever...you get it. I don't know if anyone else will read any of this or even care that I write it. If anyone does I welcome feedback as long as it isn't all you need is prayer, excercise, fresh air etc.... Why don't you come home Bill Bailey? I know I need a relationship with God, I know I need to lose weight, these are truths....

So todays thoughts... I am thinking about honesty today, as I often do. I have been guilty of being less than honest with others, I don't think it is possible to be 100% honest all the time. What a beautiful baby....no newborn babies are beautiful...at least not the first couple days. That is a great blouse on you... Yes that 5th grade play was the BEST piece of theater ever put on the stage... I hardly noticed the incessant pounding on the wall of you hanging every ppicture ever painted on the wall that seperates our apartments... yea, no one. But the big stuff is what I am talking about. Have I ever lied about anything big? yes I can admit that, I won't cite examples but I'm sure I have along the road. Doesn't make it ok. If someone asks you point blank about something, they already know the answer. If they didn't how would they know to ask the question to begin with? So what to do in the face of dishonesty is the question. If you know someone has lied to you do you confront them and risk the consequences or try to live with the knowledge of the lie? The lie is eating me inside but the consequences are steep and what if there is more denial? The delete button is an essential piece of equipment.

Have you watched Toddlers and Tiaras? If you haven't you should so we can discuss it.

Incompetent

If you do not know how to do my job you should not have the job directly "superior" to mine. Much less the one superior to that. Can we just agree on that??? Ok, here is the deal. formulate a freaking full thought before you spew forth a hundred meaningless emails. And while you are at the computer, try for the love of God try to use proper English.

Maybe its just a pet peeve of mine but I am seriously annoyed by a couple of coworkers. Neither of them know what they are doing. Neither of them have experience enough to deal with the situations we get put into. But seriously, it is not okay to send out an email asking for who will be coming to an event but not tell me what the event is, when it is, or where it will be held. Do I look psychic to you. The Psychic Friends Network probably pays better. The saving grace is that their positions being actually superior to mine is an illusion, I do not work FOR either of them. Thank goodness.

Today's events have prompted me to think of other unpleasant work environments, coworkers and boss' I've had over the years. I know everyone has this sort of thing in their memory. How do you cope? Me personally I write about it. I don't vent to others in the work area. That tends to backfire. I just kind of work through it, try to fix it without looking like I am trying to show them up.But still show my actual boss that I know what I'm doing and can work through, or occasionally around other people's shortcomings and incompetencies. So dish....

so...ummm...yeah

Basically I totally forgot that I had a blog and when I went to create one I found that I already have one. Does anyone else think perhaps I need a small vacation???

So here is what is on my mind these days. Unrest. Not the stuff that makes the news or anything, the kind that grows inside of you. I hope that I am not the only person who feels this way, maybe I am . Maybe that"s the problem????? I sometimes feel like things come up along the way and maybe I don't deal with them, or don't even address them and they are left to almost fester. Sometines I don't even realize that there is something festering. Here is my question...how do you get to the point where you address your issue, deal with it, put it to rest and move on. Is there a trick? Is there a class? Is there a book? Is there a method I just haven't stumbled on???
Discuss.....