So I'm trying to figure out my life and where I belong in the scheme. I had hoped at nearly 40 years of age to have that already figured out but I guess that isn't going to be the case. I spend alot of my time these days wondering why I feel as I do about things in my life. I was tagged in a survey on Facebook a couple of days ago that I have yet to fill out. It is a New Years thing that asks what the best and worst parts of the year were, what you are and aren't looking forward to in the next year blah blah blah... I have afew theories as to why I haven't done the survey yet. I really want to be honest but I don't think I want to admit to all my friends (and sort of friends and a few acquaintances) exactly what I am thinking and feeling. In the coming year I am considering a kind of technological coma, withdrawing from Facebook etc.. An occasional my dog is so cute sort of post and the occasional like of a post by someone else and a serious thinning of the pack as it were.
What were the biggest dissapointments of 09? What was good about 09? What am I looking forward to in 10? And not so much? wow these are not easy answers. Was my move the biggest mistake I made in 09 or was it a good thing .,That remains to be seen in a lot of ways. Did I waste 09 pursueing something I shouldn't have? Ugh. I just don't know. Worse I don't know how to find the answers in 10. Everywhere I look are just more questions, never any answers. I made a comment Christmas day to some people I know that if my current relationship ends (or when) I will not have another man in my life. This past year has been kind of nightmarish, the last two really. I'm so ready for things to look up, start going my way. I don't expect happpiness all the time and rainbows and smurfs and all that but Christ! A little would be good. A little that isn't tainted by something else or predicated upon something else. I think I don't know how to be happy for me, No I know I don't. Largely because I am not well acquainted with me, the two of us are barely more than strangers. I have lived myself for someone else for the whole thing. I have defined myself by how happy I make or fail to make someone else: parents, husband, children, employers, boyfriend, friends.... Who am I? What makes me happy? When am I happy and at peace?
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